Have you ever wondered what your life would be like if you were totally and completely loved? Do you ever look at truly successful people and wonder if their success is because they carry a belief that they are that loved? If you know that you are totally and completely loved, would you ever struggle with money? Would you have emotionally satisfying relationships? Would you be doing work that you love and are passionate about? Would success ever be an issue?
Often, we think that such a question means being loved by someone significant, or, growing up with parents who loved us perfectly - or nearly so - but I'm talking of a bigger love. A love that you feel everywhere all of the time. It's a sense that your reality is loving you because everything you experience happens with ease. I've been there. It was extraordinary because I was constantly surprised when things that I wanted were not only struggle free, but came out even better than I imagined. It's a feeling that both emanates from inside, but is reflected outside. It's a feeling of knowing - knowing that you are loved by everything around you.
Sometimes I meet someone who has that knowing. My son once had a friend who truly believed that his success was destined by a God who loved him so much that he knew he would succeed. He was studying acting with my son at NYU and, surprisingly, didn't have near the talent that so many other students had, but he created more opportunities and more successes than any others. My son and I talked about this several times. We were both curious and fascinated.
Now, you may be wondering if I experienced that kind of love - what happened? How does one get there and why didn't I stay there? I ask myself the same questions and I know the answers to both. That incredible feeling of love lasted for only 6 months but it was the most incredible 6 months of my life - and, sadly, also one of the most frightening. Everything in my life worked with ease - a business that I had up for sale for over a year and half, suddenly sold with multple offers. Classes that I used to struggle to fill, now had literal lines out the door - so many people, in fact, that I had to set up double classes to accommodate them all. I then packed up everything I owned and my daughter and I traveled cross country to Florida while Hurricane Opal was raging across the South. Even though reports of havoc and devastation were being reported on the radio warning us of what was ahead, we never had a drop of rain the entire trip. It was sunshine the entire way and when we arrived at our destination, the only evidence of a storm was a small tree branch in the front yard.
I shopped for a new home and when I found the home I wanted, I obtained a miracle loan and closed escrow in an unheard of 10 days! I had more money than I've ever had. Everything I focused upon came to be and if what I specifically wanted did not manifest, it was because something even better appeared in its place. At night when I would fall to sleep, I'd ask my Soul to bring me answers to questions and would then experience a dream that clearly answered each question. There was no doubt that I was loved. I felt it in the sky, in the wind, in the sun, the moon and the stars. I felt it in all of nature. I knew I was loved by All That Is!
Though I have met people who say they feel they are loved that way, I don't think it is true if they are feeling depressed, lonely or dissatisfied because it just doesn't work that way. And if you think about it, it makes sense that a Father that loves you completely - a Mother that adores you - would both want you to have ultimate happiness and receive all that life has to offer - not just some of the time, but all of the time. And that is available to each of us. It is only us who limit ourselves.
I am sure you are wondering why I was only able to hold onto this wonder for six months. Sadly, the reason is that, as wonderful as it was, as extraordinary as it felt to be so loved and to be living a life of ease and abundance all of the time - I was also scared the entire time. When the first "miracle" occurred, I was over the top with joy, but then the second one happened and a third one and a fourth one and my anxiety kept building with each one. We've all been taught much about how we limit ourselves; about the limiting beliefs we've formed about ourselves and how our reality is a reflection of those beliefs. We've been working for years clearing out those limitations, slowing changing and growing, but here I was flying without limitation and it really scared me. At that point, I'd already spent decades exploring my limitations, where they came from, learning about the "Lesser" in me, but now I was living from the More - and it was so foreign. It felt as though a door had flown open and suddenly, I was living a new life. I was living the life of someone who was truly loved and could have anything. It felt foreign and strange, but that's not what really scared me. What scared me is that I didn't know who I was. I well knew the one who struggled for money. I well knew the one who had disappointing relationships and friends who didn't come through. I well knew the one who had to work so hard to create success and here I was just the opposite on every front.
When I fnally settled in my new home (the one with the miracle loan at an interest rate far below the norm), I found myself in dread. I didn't recognize it at the time, but now I remember that each night I went to bed dreading the next morning because I had nothing to do and no where to go. I'd purchased a model home - it didn't need any repairs or decorating. I'd moved to a community where I didn't know a soul so had no one to talk to and I had sold my business and had no job - no place to go and nothing to do. My daughter went off to her new school and thrived. She made friends instantly, but I had no place to go. Though the "dread" felt like I was merely lonely and needed a "hobby", what I now know is that I was in a new place not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually. I had never been in a place where everything in my life worked and where I had all the "things" that I'd ever wanted. I remember feeling as though I had stepped off a clif anfd was standing in mid-air. I wasn't supposed to be there. I was supposed to fall.
Slowly, I started putting the limitations back in place and, sadly, there was a sense of relief in that. I started to feel "normal" again. Eventually, the miracles stopped and struggle set in again - familiar but not wonderful. And worse of all, I couldn't forgive myself for that. How could I blow it? How could I lose the love I'd experienced? Eventually, everything went back to the way I knew it best - nothing really horrible - but no more miracles. Success would come, but only through great effort and often struggle. Money would be just enough to have a good life, but not too much. Relationships - even friendships would be limited and filled with struggle and heartache. This was the "me" I'd always known. Somehow, it felt safe. It certainly was familiar.
Losing love is a difficult thing to handle but then I added my own judgments and anger at a self who really blew it; really, really blew it! So back to the drawing board. Where do you go in self-growth when you've lost what you were seeking all along? You start over again, right? So, that's what I did. I re-evaluated my past; re-healed the child; looked at old patterns, but what seemed the most difficult was to forgive myself. That's something that I just couldn't do.
That's all changed now. Last October Tamaara deftly guided us into our patterns of self-punishment and I finally met that "one" who has refused to forgive me all of this time. It was a frightening confrontation because that part has been with me for decades - probably for life times - and was determined to prevail for 100 more. But, in the end, I won. I know now that I have prevailed over a part of me that wouldn't forgive and there's a poignant pause as I lick my wounds and re-evaluate once again. Now, in March, we begin where I left off - opening once again to a Love that can change everything. Opening to a Divine Love that few acknowledge and even fewer hold onto. Those that do - create wonderful lives for themselves because they know they deserve. They know that to stop themselves from receiving the bounty and abundance of life is to turn their backs on that Love, But, in the end, there's only one question - why in the world would anyone do that?
We all have our answers why - but this time, I'm determined to not only open to that love but to hold onto it forever. Those of you that will be joining me are in for a wonderful journey as we explore the only Love that really matters - that Divine love that we are have been seeking for so very long. I can't wait to hear the stories of each of your successes as we explore this wonderful and extraordinary realm of Love!